My struggle with depression – part four
June 3, 2008
When my walls came down I was extremely blessed to have a group of girls around me who were more than willing to be there for me. They banded together and if it wasn’t for them I probably would’ve put all the walls back up and the mask back on. The day after I lost my mask several of the girls came over as I had requested. You see when I couldn’t stop crying people noticed – one of them was a woman whom I adored (and still do), let’s call her R. – she asked me if I wanted to talk. I replied yes but not right then. She understood and suggested that I get together a few other girls and we meet at my house the next day. So I did. So we met the next day and I let them in on what was my most pressing issue at that point. And that was the fear that if they knew more about my beliefs they might do the same thing that “The church” did and alienate me. They were very kind and realistic. They never promised me that I wouldn’t get offended by something the church might do or that I wouldn’t get upset by their actions, but they promised that they would not intentionally hurt me and that they would love me…for me. I am forever grateful to them. Unfortunately that was only the beginning of my long road. I went back to traditional counseling for a little while but I found that I just couldn’t bring myself to open up to a total stranger. So instead I began to counsel with R. we met when we could at a local coffee shop and I just let things out, I also asked questions about the church and R.’s life and personal journey to the Lord. Well things progress as they are wont to do; I changed my major to English, cut my hair, declared myself Goth and decided to move to the SD at the end of that year. It wasn’t the first time I’d moved away from friends (my fam and I moved on average every three years) but it was still heartbreaking for me to leave these girls and the college group I had grown rather fond of but I made the decision and stuck to it. Had I known what I was about to go through I am positive that I would’ve dug a hole somewhere and stayed in it for a very, very, very, very, very long time, thank God I had no idea.
I am thankful you were blessed with such good, loving, caring friends during this crucial time in your journey.
Have you posted what it means for you to declare yourself Goth? I’ll look around. I mentioned I know some other Christian Goths but what I should have said is “know of”… I am still learning. I think for you, peeling off your masks resulted in revealing “a Goth” (whereas if I were to try to “be Goth” that would be a mask for me). So maybe there is a post by you or a website you are aware of that helps me understand better.
Your closing sentence is an excellent summary of life on planet Earth. If indeed this physical life were all there is, we would indeed retreat to a hole… In fact, most who are unaware of the abundant life in Christ do exist in a hole. A closely guarded hole. I’ve been writing about this lately with posts like The Fairy Tale Prison.
Love your heart and openness.
Hey ric:
I haven’t posted anything about what it means for me to be Goth yet, I will post something as soon as I get my last few installments of “my struggle with depression” up because I feel it is important to explain it in context with these posts. If you would like I would recommend a couple websites ~ http://www.geocities.com/rvnshadowwinds/lair.html
It is run by a gal name of Lady Raven Shadowwinds, she has several pages that explain what it means to be Christian Goth if you go to her “Style” page there are links from there to the explanations she gives about being Christian Goth
http://gothicchristianity.com/01gchome.html
This is also a good one for links to other Gothic Christian websites.
Just be forewarned with each of these and other websites you will find there are going to be slightly differing views on what makes a person Christian Goth, in fact the Gothic community itself has a very hard time defining what “Goth” or “Gothic” is (or if there is even a difference between “Goth” and “Gothic”) but it will, I believe, give you a clearer idea of what a Christian Goth is.
I have really enjoyed your Fairy Tale Prison posts they are fascinating and breathtaking and I cannot think of anything else to say other than thank you for sharing them with us.
G
Thanks for the links GothiqueFae. As I said, I am still learning. I think some of my poems and writing lean toward the gothic nature of the Cross. Like Birth Day and I So Loved the Wolf.
Would you call the movie, The Passion of the Christ, gothic?
I wanted to crawl into a hole two years ago and take my whole family with me…God is seeing us through this dark storm…tearing down walls can’t be done without God and then…it still doesn’t “feel” good.
Why is it that at the center of the storm there is a place of peace? just a random thought I had. seems like our family is always going through tumultuous calms.
Bro: I think it’s because God speaks best during the storms of life and so that brings peace. And yes, our fam is good at tumultuous calms.
Michelle:
It’s like I told NorEaster a few days ago, it’s part of a quote, “…the sun (Son) still exists even when it is night.” Don’t forget that, God is always there, keep holding on.
Ric:
I might call that movie gothic, if I’d seen it. *grimaces* I haven’t gotten around to it because I know it’ll make me cry. It’s like watching war movies for me, I can’t distance myself because I know it happened so I wind up sobbing throughout the whole movie. It’s not bad but I have to prepare myself mentally and I haven’t been in a place where I’d be okay watching a very emotionally charged movie. I will though and then I’ll let you know whether I think it could be called gothic or not. BTW your poems are a bit dark, but they are full of light as well…if that makes any sense at all.
G