Why I am Goth

Why am I Goth?  I’m not sure I even know I guess it just came about naturally which is strange considering my brother was the one that wore black a lot in high-school; people thought he was Goth.  But, no offense to him, I don’t think he ever really was.  Sure he wore black and had white face paint and black lipstick and no doubt that’s an aspect of Goth but that’s not what makes a person Goth.  No, Goth is more than that.  But first I want to clear up what it’s not – first of all IT’S NOT SATANISM!!!!!!  Goth isn’t even a religion; it’s more of a subculture than anything else.  It was born out of a music culture that was darker and harder than any other and it was born out of contempt for the value modern society placed on material objects.  It places emphasis on individuality and non-conformity and deep and honest thinking.  And sure like any other subculture it doesn’t always stay true to its values but what is a society (or subculture) without values to aspire to? 

 

Anyway I’ve strayed a bit off topic but me becoming Goth was something I sort of fell in to.  I guess you could say I’ve always been interested in a different perhaps one could say darker aesthetic I remember even putting on my brother’s black lipstick once when I was in middle school.  It was the first time I’d ever thought of myself as a beauty.  And I remember the very next second rubbing it off because I was afraid of trying to explain to my parents why I thought being dark would make me beautiful.  I was trying to be like all the popular girls and if I couldn’t do that I was content to be invisible.  And yet I look back and maybe it was something that was in me all along lurking in the shadows waiting to be acknowledged, waiting for me to come to peace with that piece of darkness; that beautiful piece of darkness.  It’s one of those strange things even though I call it a sort of darkness inside me it’s a part of the light of God; it exists happily with and in that light.  I kept that piece of me in the dark for a long time though.  All through middle school, high-school and part of college.  But strangely enough it was a casual comment from a roommate that brought that little piece of darkness into the light.  I don’t remember what sparked the comment I believe I was joking about ‘going’ Gothic and she said something like “You might as well, you wear enough black.”  She meant it as I joke and I took no offense but I was taken aback and I remember thinking something like “I don’t wear that much black.”  But I kept going back to that comment over the next week or so and thinking and trying to figure out why I wore so much black.  I began to think about what it meant to be Goth.  The first thing I did was buy a magazine called Gothic Beauty and found that much of the fashion in there was fantastic and breathtakingly beautiful.  If it weren’t for a rather unobtrusive ad in that magazine I might’ve never gone beyond that one magazine but I did.  That one ad was an ad for a conference for Christian Goths.  I was astounded.  I had never in my wildest dreams thought of such a thing as a Christian Goth.  But I was intrigued and so I turned to the one thing that my generation (and many others) looks to for information on anything and everything —- the internet.  I started with the website attached to the Gothic Christianity ad conveniently called www.GothicChristianity.com and from there I followed links to other Christian Goth websites one of which changed me for good.  It was called http://www.geocities.com/rvnshadowwinds/lair.html .  I spent several hours looking it all over and finding that with every word I read I felt more and more like I was reading thoughts that had been hanging around in my head for a long time just waiting to be vocalized and acknowledged.  It was freeing; like feeling a burst of cool breeze on a stifling humid summer day.  It felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long time. 

 

As I read Lady Raven’s explanations of what a Christian Goth is I felt a certain kinship; this woman could very well have read my thoughts so I will try to explain it as eloquently as she did.  Being Goth does not make you evil (OR A SATANIST) it doesn’t make you suicidal or homicidal.  Yes, Goth’s wear black but it’s just a color any meaning it might have is attached by that certain person; there is no inherent meaning in any color.  For me black is mysterious, classic, timeless, sleek and beautiful.  It’s neither evil nor good.  But if black were a person I imagine that he would scare a lot of people simply because he would be impossible to figure out or classify; there’d be no box to put him in — and that makes me smile.  Another aspect of Goth that makes people uncomfortable is the references to death.  This I don’t understand at all.  I see no reason to fear death it’s inevitable as much a part of life as being born.  Now before anyone accuses me of not being afraid of death because I’ve never experienced loss let me set you straight.  I lost my uncle to a heart attack when I was about 10.  I lost my grandmother to the death known as Alzheimer’s.  I lost my great-grandmother to old age.  I lost one classmate to a tragic accident.  I lost another classmate to a drunken driving accident.  And I lost a third classmate to another horrible disease.  And as trivial as it might seem to some; I lost my wonderful cat of ten years to a brain tumor (her picture can be viewed in my picture gallery).  I understand death.  But I don’t fear death.  And that is another part of the Goth subculture.  That is why there is a prevalence of skeletons and coffins; it is a way to remind people that the pursuit of material empty things is nothing in the end.  In death we are made equal. 

 

The supposition that in order to be Goth you have to be preoccupied with dying is erroneous and offensive.  It seems to me that the reason people ascribe an extreme suicidal bent to Goth’s more than any other subculture is because Goth’s are more willing to admit death is real plus it protects the accuser from having to admit that being depressed happens to everybody whether rich or poor, beautiful or strange-looking, man or woman, adult or child.  This leads me to another reason I became Goth.  I no longer had to be afraid of feeling.  I had felt such pressure from society and church to be happy and content all the time that when I wasn’t I assumed it meant there was something wrong; being Goth meant I could acknowledge those other feelings, I could feel those other feelings and it was OK.  It was ok to be human. 

 

I don’t know how well I’ve explained myself or if it even makes sense what I’m saying but I hope it might offer some insight into what this particular Goth thinks Goth is.  No doubt you will hear and experience differing views and opinions on what Goth is; some positive and some not so positive but I hope you will keep an open mind and remember that getting to know someone and seeing what’s inside is more important than making snap judgments based on what they’re wearing.

 

 

Just thought I’d share this with you guys since I’ve been asked by a few people what drew me to the Goth subculture; like I said I’m not sure how well I’ve explained myself but let me know if you have any other questions, I’d be happy to try and answer.