I don’t think I can pinpoint exactly when I realized that I was depressed. I know that I struggled in high-school but it may have started before that. You see middle school was…awkward for me. I didn’t fit in, well, I wasn’t popular anyway. And since middle school was the first time since 1st grade I’d been in public school I also was very bad at socializing. Not to mention I didn’t dress like everyone else; my parents weren’t rich so they shopped at secondhand stores and my madre (God bless her, I love her for it now) wouldn’t let me dress like all the ‘popular’ girls, read immodestly. Besides all that I was painfully shy; I was that little girl in your class who never talked and turned bright red every time the teacher even looked at her. I was smart; I read several grade levels above everyone else and could’ve shined like the North Star in any and all English classes but I procrastinated and so never got above a C. I had a few friends and I adored them but I knew that, socially speaking, I was at the bottom of the totem pole; I hung out with all the other freaks and geeks ;) . Don’t get me wrong, looking back on all of it I wouldn’t have given up my friends for anything they were magnificent, but if I could go back in time and talk to the little awkward shy girl I was and show her that it was alright to be smart and stand out and be different, I would. I despised middle school. Not only was I shy and socially awkward but I faced discrimination. Not because of my heritage but because of my padre’s job. We lived in Nevada and he worked for the Forest Service. It might not sound like a big deal but it caused a lot of trouble for us. We were “asked to leave” restaurants AND churches, my brother got into a few fights over it and I had a friend stop talking to me because she found out. People actually hated us. I had a teacher spend at least half of every class telling us how evil the government (specifically the Forest Service) was, I sat listening to a preacher explain how the Forest Service was not in God’s plan for the government and I refused to read the local newspaper because it was so biased against the Forest Service. Needless to say it was not an easy environment to grow up in, especially because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with what my padre was doing. What could be wrong with a job that allowed you to help protect the natural world? Anyway a few years later we moved to Colorado and I started high-school. Once freshman year and once sophomore year I let myself dwell on the thought of suicide and when it happened sophomore year I decided that I’d had enough and went to talk to the school counselor. She told my parents with my permission and my parents took me to a counselor. I went for about a year and then decided, with my parents’ permission to discontinue going. I still am not sure what brought my thoughts to those dark places all I know is that I was looking at the world and people around me and a voice kept telling me that they’d be happier without me; I saw that my presence was affecting change and I believed, wrongly, that the change I was affecting was bad or wrong somehow. The whole time this was going on I was also dealing with, oh how to say it…betrayal is too strong a word and hurt doesn’t even begin to cover it – my family and I were having issues with the church we were currently involved in. As previously mentioned I had experienced rejection from a few churches before due to my father’s job, but I’d never had anything like this happen. I had invested myself in these people; they had gotten closer than anyone, outside of my family, had ever gotten to me. I might post the creative writing piece I wrote about this hurt later, for now I don’t want to belabor the issue so let’s just say that they hurt me and I began to harden my heart towards God and “God’s people” for now, ok? Junior and senior year passed without much difference between the two. Senior year was probably the best year of high-school for me and it wasn’t just because I was about to be done. Other than the fact that my two best friends spent most of the year fighting and I spent most of the year standing between them I had such a good time that if I were asked to do it all over again I would. My classes went great, I slowly stopped caring what anyone thought of me or whether I was popular or not and I began to stand with greater confidence but behind it all I carried a pain deep inside and the worst part was I wore this mask, a thick hard mask to keep anyone from seeing the tears that drenched my soul. I was hurting from the pain of being rejected from the people I had thought were wonderful and I was hurting from the effort of trying to be the ‘perfect’ Christian and I was hurting from the confusion of trying to figure out who I was and what I believed in. The next part is difficult for me to talk about so it’ll have to wait for the next “installment.”
https://gothiquefae.wordpress.com/2008/05/22/my-struggle-with-depression-part-two/
A lot of aspects of your story are very familiar to me, personally. I didn’t fit in, either. I wasn’t cool or popular; I was the kid the bullies picked on because I was a nerd or a geek or whatever it would be these days. I also faced my share of discomfort in my first church because my family had so many problems–divorce, drinking, drugs, financial difficulties, and one of my siblings has spent so much time in jail that he ill-adjusted to everyday living and so now resides in subsidized housing and collects SSI/disabiliity along with food stamps. And I’m sure a whole lot of people would avoid me if they that. That’s just the way people are.
And it took me a long time to realize and to LIVE the truth of God. Because God is not like that. I realized that if I am ostracized or subjugation or marginalized, which sometimes I still am because of my disability, then that makes me even more precious in God’s eyes. There is a reason our path to Heaven is measured, for lack of a better term, by how we treat “the least of My breathen.”
People get so focused on how “easy” it is to become a Christian that they forget what comes after. They forget that we must be sheep of service, not goats of arrogance.
And because of my own experiences growing up, and because I know how precious those of us on the outside really are to God, people like yourself, Goth, have always got my attention. If I walk into a room and see “normal” people having a grand ole time, but there is a someone sitting alone, that’s the person I want to talk to. It is one thing to be alone, quite another to be lonely in a crowd.
Obviously, the church had no business judging you, your father, or your family based on what he does for a living. And besides that, there is an old saying, “The enemies of a free state are not the slaves, but the masters.” Your father did what he had to do to support his family; he was, in that respect, a slave to those he loved–you–because he endured the hardships because of where he worked. The masters were those who orchestrated the animosity towards people who worked that job. And, unfortunately, you paid the price for that arrogance.
I have to admit, I’m really glad you shared this with me. And I am looking forward to the next installment. And if ever we should meet, let’s find a quite a corner and share a cup of coffee, shall we? ;)
As you have probably guessed from some of my poems, I am a card-carryin’ member of the “geeks-n-freaks club.” I was kinda the king of the geeks actually but don’t tell anyone. I think it easier for guys to be geeky. our society actually rewards guys like us with “good” jobs.
Thanks for sharing this chapter of you life and your soul. It always amazes me to see the strength in the “least of these” in God’s kingdom. I anxiously await the next installment!
NorEaster:
Thank you for your honesty. “People get so focused on how “easy” it is to become Christian that they forget what comes after.” Exactly and in the next few installments it will become clear I’m sure how I came to this realization. The realization that loving God and showing people who Christ is through my own life is not a one-day type of ‘activity.’ And, despite what some people might have told me, it is not easy. Oh and I would love to share a cup of coffee with you and sit in the corner talking!
Ric:
So you have a card too? Lol, don’t worry your secret is safe with me! I appreciate your words and, once again, you’re welcome. Very, very welcome.
To both of you:
Thank you very much for your kind words I had never planned on sharing a whole lot about my personal life and struggles but this felt right and even though I panicked slightly after I hit the “Publish” button I am glad that I did. I don’t know what results this and further installments will yield but if the only thing that happens is that I know how to deal with these emotions next time around than it will have been worth it.
G
P.S. Keep your eyes peeled for the creative writing piece I promised. It will probably come up in the next few days under the title “Betrayal and Redemption.”
shit…
I’ve been nursing my own depression the past few days and haven’t come around to see if you’ve written anything new.
Goth, again, I feel I’m reading my own thoughts. How is that possible?
I struggled with many of the same issues although I craved the light and tried to be the star – I was called a “goon”. It was all about appearance, in a Farrah Fawcett world (70’s) so I was either teased (bullied) or invisible.
Thank you for sharing this…makes me remember and then understand what my kids must be feeling as well…
Hey,
You have a lovely way of expressing yourself. Thanks for sharing. I too struggle have struggled with bad bouts of depression over many years and it’s always lovely to know that you are not alone.
Rosie
Rosie,
Thank you for the kind words. I agree it helps to realize that you are not alone in this, a read a quote from author David Foster Wallace where he said that depression is “lonely on a level that cannot be conveyed…” I believe him to be partly true, I think it can be very lonely and isolating but I think if we reach out to others we can find some comfort sometimes. Either way it is nice for me to now that I am not alone with this as well. Welcome!
G