I GRADUATED!!!!

I’M AN ALUMNUS!!!!

I’M A GRADUATE!!!!

I HAVE A B.S. IN ENGLISH!!!!  (that’s a Bachelor of Science in case you were confused ;P)

Ok so this is a little late because I graduated on Saturday (the 18th of December), but I was busy Saturday with graduating and all and then I drove back to Colorado with the parentals so it was late when I got home and I went straight to bed.  Then on Sunday I slept and then went Christmas shopping with mi madre and just the thought of getting on the computer even for fun put my stomach in knots, I needed a bit of a break.  Then I slept most of the day Monday so here it is Tuesday and I’m just now getting around to announcing it…oh well that’s the way it goes sometimes.

The graduation ceremony was fun, it was the fall ceremony so it’s smaller and goes faster than the spring ceremony.  I sat in the front row pretty much smack dab in the middle; right in front of the podium where the president of the university, the registrar, the student body president and the president of the alumni association spoke from.  I only cried twice; once during a song that the choir sang and then when the alumni president spoke and called us alumni.  They gave us all namecards so we could pronounce our name to the dean and then they would read it out; the namecards also had the honors on it like Summa Cum Laude or whatnot.  I was just happy because this way my name wasn’t butchered.  They did mis-pronounce my middle name but I didn’t care so much because they got my first and last name right so yaaaaaa!!!!

I still have a few little things to finish but overall I’m done…and it feels weird.  It’s going to take a little while for it to sink in.  I keep finding myself doing things that I did in the past when I came to visit my parents.  Like gazing at the mountains and trying to soak it in as much as I can to sustain me only to remember that I don’t have to do that now.  Just little things like that.

And now Christmas is like right here and I haven’t done any shopping so I’m having to do that this week and after that it’s job hunting time…hooray…I have a few prospects lined up so we’ll just have to see if anything pans out.  I figure I’ll be lucky if I get a job before next Christmas.  Kidding, sort of!!

So that’s where things stand.  I should have week-in-a-flash back next week, though I doubt I’ll have a whole lot for it and as soon as I finish up with the few things for school that I have left and get into the mindset of “hey I can do this for fun!” this being reading and writing, then I’ll have other things besides week-in-a-flash and I’ll be able to catch up on all the blogs I read.  And do you know what else I can do now that I’m a graduate and an alumnus?  I can start reading for fun without having to analyze the book so I can write a paper on it later and I can watch TV like a real person now and I can write my stories again and I don’t have to pull all-nighters and I can eat real food…so exciting!!

Help?

I am so tired of being yanked around.  First it’s like “so yeah I’m graduating December 2010” and then after my half-time semester I go talk to my advisor and get told I’m on track to graduate Spring 2011…excuse me?  Let down, disaster, looks like I’ll be here another semester, big sigh, ok I can do this, I can handle this.  Then I go talk to the advisor again about classes needed for this upcoming semester and hey “looks like ALL the classes you need to complete your degree are offered next semester”…are you kidding me?  So as long as times don’t interfere I’ll be graduating in Dec…sorry what?  Times conflict you say?  Nothing can be done you say?  FUCK!  Fine, you know what I’ll fucking find a soluti……times DON’T conflict?  *frustrated laughter* Wait, wait, you must be joking!  But, oh my goodness, I can’t register until TOMORROW @ 9 PM! 

Bloody fucking Hell.

So, now I sit and wait on pins and needles, pain and pricklies, hoping, praying fervently that they don’t fill up.

Sometimes I feel like all I am doing is screaming out to God to help me.  Down on my knees, on my face screaming for help.  Like a little kid with my heart, my hopes, my dreams, my life in my hands holding it out to God with tears running down my face saying, “it’s broke, fix it?”

And for some reason that frustrates me.  It leads me to some familiar trails of thought like, “I’m sure God has better things to do than come running every time I stub my toe.”  And then I worry that I’m making Him, in my mind, a genie again.  Like “anything that doesn’t fit in your worldview or upsets your delicate little balance, well don’t worry about that ‘cause we got this nice little God all boxed-up and real convenient, He’ll make sure your life is absolutely perfect.”

Blech!  It makes me cringe and makes my stomach roil.  And then I feel compelled to apologize to God for my weakness.

And I understand that God wants us to trust Him but where is the line drawn?  Where do you go from trusting that He has it all worked out and that things will be ok to “fix it, make it perfect ‘cause I’m a spoiled little kid who doesn’t like this anymore”?  Where does it turn from “God I need some help here” to “God, fix it, I want, I want, I want…”?  Where is that line that goes from humble trust to arrogant want?  Where is the line in the sand?  Is it proper to ask God for help with everyday things?  Why do I feel such guilt for leaning on God?  For asking Him for His help with this?  Shouldn’t it be a good thing to go to God?  The Bible does say to cast your cares and burdens on Him and He wants us to trust Him right?  

For some reason I just can’t reconcile this so I am inviting anyone who reads my blog to weigh in.  Where is the line?  How do you tell when it’s been crossed?  Is there a line?