In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. — Charlie Brown

Hello to all of my non-readers (does anyone still come here?).  Anyway, I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to say anything about anything.  I’ve read some articles over the past few months that get my blood boiling and I consider writing something about it but then it’s like, what can I say that everybody else hasn’t already said?  And besides it felt like it took a lot of energy to put my thoughts down and, I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like posting anything that would cause an argument or debate because then that would mean that I needed to respond and I didn’t feel like I could.  I gave up before there was any fight, that’s all.  And I didn’t want to write about what I was feeling because I was working very hard to try and ignore it (hey guess what, that doesn’t actually work…at all!).  Needless to say it’s been a rough year.  It’s been a year and two-and-a-half months since I had a job (*sigh* and here I thought having a college degree would help…stupid economy) and I’ve been living with my parents, not a bad thing in and of itself but add that to all the other stresses (you know, no job, no money, continual rejection after interviews, getting my hopes up only to keep getting crushed, and having my cat get injured twice, along with a not-working-quite-the-right-way Jeep and a broken computer, add to that having about 98% of my belongings in boxes out in the barn and my brother unreachable for most of the year (thank you Navy!) and that should give you a rough idea of my year) and it’s been…well, a nightmare.  Granted it could’ve been worse, I could’ve gotten sick (only one little cold at the beginning of the year and that’s been it, miraculous considering my penchant for getting sick, thank you God), I could still be out of a job, I could’ve been bored silly and reduced to talking to the dogs and my cat like they were people…oh wait…er…never mind…. ;) , uh…my parents could’ve kicked me out (I’m lucky they didn’t, I haven’t exactly been great to be around what with the depression and anger and all), the roof of the house could’ve caved in…my car could’ve gotten stolen…oh hell, any number of things could’ve happened that would have made this year even more terrible, that’s not the point.  The point is…the point is…it hasn’t been a cakewalk, but I’m still here and, bonus, I have retained a sense of humor.  Oh yeah, and I finally have a job, yaaay for the holiday season retail store hiring spree!  Everybody now, Hip-Hip-HOORAY, Hip-Hip-HOORAY, Hip-Hip-HOORAY!!!

And I leave you with a song, hope it gets stuck in your head.

P.S. only 36 days until Christmas!!  Not that I’m excited about it or anything  :D

Alone in the Dark

Alone in the Dark.

The phrase has been bouncing around in my head for weeks.  I saw it on a sign and it just stuck in my head.  It seems especially appropriate right now as I stand on my porch smoking my favorite; Romeo y Julieta.  Alone.  Dark.  A bolt of lightning suddenly lights up the night and for a second it’s almost like daylight.  So it’s not completely dark.  I take another drag and pull my leather jacket close.  It’s starting to get cold but I don’t want to go inside.  Another flash of lightning lights up the world and I can see the shape of the clouds as they roll across the sky.  The storms here are different from what I’m used to, there’s no wind, no rain, just lightning and thunder.  And even though it feels chilly to me I know the temperature is pushing 70, 75 degrees Fahrenheit.  Still, I’ve managed to fall in love with this place.  It has a certain charm, the baked brown earth, the tall cacti, the lizards, spiders, scorpions and birds.  I moved here for school, to get an art degree, the ultimate “what-are-you-going-to-do-with-that?” degree.  The saguaros captured my artist’s heart, the rest of the place took the rest of me captive.  Now I’m here, alone in the dark.  No friends or lovers to speak of, at least not human ones, for the desert has become my lover, the flora and fauna, my friends.  Another serpentine stream of lightning separates the sky for a moment and the thunder growls along after it.  In that instant I can see some of the native inhabitants scurrying for cover in fear of the rain that will never come.  In many ways they are as alone as I am and as much in the dark.  One of my old friends used to joke that she always expected that some day I’d mysteriously disappear and become a wolf or a saguaro or something like that.  I’ve always thought it would be more likely for one of those things to become human because they seem so much more alive than some people I know.  And when I’m out in the middle of the desert I can feel a pulse thrumming through everything, a heartbeat of existence.   There is so much life out here.  I’m amazed by how much is out here and thriving in the seemingly dead desert.  I take another drag.  The lightning brings another flash of daylight and an empty threat of rain.

Alone.  But satisfied.  In the not-quite Dark.