For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) – $50

Soooo…the title of this post has nothing whatsoever to do with the content but I’m allowed to do that every now and again.  At this very moment I am working on my cover letter, eating some chili and wondering what happened to my version of “life-after-college.”  And in a few moments I’ll go and do the dishes, straighten my hair, leave to get groceries and pick up mi madre…but I’ll still be wondering what happened to my version of “life-after-college.”  Tonight I’ll probably submit a few job applications maybe even look for a place to live, do my nails, watch whatever shows the parentals normally watch on Thursday nights…and wonder what happened to my version of “life-after-college.”  And tomorrow I’ll get up, excercise, do my makeup, submit some more job applications and wonder, wonder, wonder what happened to my version of “life-after-college”?

Are you noticing a theme?  You are??  I’m shocked.

You see I had this picture in my head of what my life would look like post-graduation.  And it was only a tad-bit realistic.  I figured it would take a little while to get a job (that’s the realistic portion) but I figured in the meantime I would have some fun.  I thought that as soon as I was done with school that all the stories that have been pushed into the back of my mind to make room for my academic papers would come pouring out and I’d have tons of energy to submit applications and write stories and go out with friends and catch up on all my blog friends and, and, and, so on and so forth.

Somehow I underestimated a few things.  Such as the fear I was suddenly filled with at the thought of getting a job.  It sounds silly but it felt different to me.  It wasn’t just a job to get me through school, it was a job.  A job as an adult not a college kid.  I was scared, terrified actually.  So I procrastinated and hemmed and hawed around and probably lost a few jobs by not applying to them…stupid really.  And now I’m fighting to get back into the game.

I also underestimated how utterly exhausted I was after graduation.  And how boring my life suddenly seemed to become.  I really didn’t understand how being a college kid gave me a readily available topic.  Uneventful week?  Well I can just talk about what movie we watched in class this week, or what we discussed, or what author we read, or, or, or, or…any number of things.  And now?  What am I supposed to talk about?  Well I got up this morning, ate some breakfast, excercised, put on some makeup, submitted five applications, haven’t heard back from any of the others yet, did the dishes, watched x hours of TV, hung out with the parents x hours, it’s cloudy today.  Admit it that sounds boring…I’m not complaining, I love hanging out with my parents and the other stuff…eh, it’s alright…except for the dishes, blech! ;).  But it makes it difficult to find something to talk about when you feel like you aren’t going anywhere or really doing anything. 

Why does it always feel like everyone else has the perfect life??  Like you are the only one who is bored, broken, alone, tired, etc.

God, I hate it when I do that, when I compare myself to other people.  Don’t you?  I mean you look hard enough and there will always be someone whose life is better than yours…but there will also be someone who is in a worse position.

I just need to learn to deal with my situation without adding the burden of trying to make my life like someone else’s.

And now…a song.

Courage by Orianthi (featuring Lacey of Flyleaf).

And some randomness to make you smile, ’cause everyone needs to smile at least once a day right?

1. I am a picture whore.  Lol!  Sorry about that I just had to say it; what I mean is I’m the type of person who trolls the internet looking for interesting pictures of celebrities, objects, whatever grabs my attention.  I use them to practice my sketching or so my mental picture of a character from one of my stories has life or just to look at and think “how pretty/cool/breathtaking/beautiful/etc.”  Yup, picture whore.  :D
2. I have a playlist on my windows media player titled “songs that make me smile.”  It has OneRepublic, Train, Yellowcard, that Orianthi (ft. Lacey) song that’s right ^ up there, The Afters, Anna Nalick, The Calling, Francesca Battistelli, Good Charlotte, Hyland, Pink AND Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez & The Scene, Miranda Cosgrove, Kelly Clarkson, Aly&AJ (aka 78Violet), Hilary Duff, Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne.  Yes, I listen to pop music, it makes me…smile :D .  Feel free to take your shots, I can handle it and I really don’t mind (after all I never said you had to listen to it)  ;).
3. So during my last semester of college (all of what two months ago??) I developed a new guilty pleasure (that’s pretty much gone now since moving in with the parentals).  I started watching WWE Raw *cringe.*  I know, I know but I found it hilarious…and fascinating.  And really good mindless TV for when your brain hurts from trying to understand Jung or Percy Bysshe Shelley.
4. Via my twitter feed from GC’s Benji Madden — “Westboro baptist Church=WBC=Weally Bad Christians lol.”  Call me terrible but that cracked me up!
5. And an exchange via my twitter feed between Trevor, lead singer of TFK and the TFK tour manager starting with the TFK tour manager — “Let’s recap. Bought an ipod, 2 weeks later ipod touch comes out. Buy an ipad, 4 weeks later ipad 2 comes out. What the heck!!” — followed by Trevor’s response — “@tfktourmgr i’m gonna start buying stuff 2 weeks later than u.”  ROFL!!
6. via my twitter feed, Chester Bennington lead singer of LP — “I’m watching Cops and some naked guy was shooting at a person he was robbing and it took 5 cops to take him down. Cops don’t get paid enough”
7. And Tam (Hodge, aka inprogress) also from Twitter — “RT @pinkbirdi i don’t understand jogging skirts. // I dont understand jogging.”  Lol!!  :D
8. And finally via my twitter feed, Joe Rickard drummer for RED — “God is good.”  — makes me smile every time :)

Train

“Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance.  Everybody thinks it’s true.” (after Paul Simon).

Everybody thinks it’s true, that you can run away and forget your life.  Everybody wishes it were true anyway.  Whenever something bad happens they wish they could jump on a plane or a train or a boat or get in a car and escape.  But much like Milton’s Satan you bring hell with you that’s why you can’t escape.  You can never escape.  But maybe, just maybe, you can pretend for a little while like me.  My life isn’t all nightmares but it could be better, a lot better.  I could not have drunk for a dad or an institutionalized mother but that’s the hand I was dealt.  I could do better in school but since none of the teachers seem to care I don’t see why I should.  I could probably make friends but everybody is so eager to judge me on my appearance; I mean really what is so bad about wearing a black trenchcoat and black eye-liner everyday?  Whatever.  At least out here I can pretend that I can actually get away from it all.  The train comes by every night at the same time.  And I’m always ready for it.  I crouch in the bushes listening to the bells sound warning and the lights start flashing.  The cars stop (all three of them) and I see the drivers put their heads on their steering wheels or lean on their hands on the side of the door and get a bored and irritated look on their faces.  I am always amazed by how impatient people can be.  Even more so because I can see their faces when the train actually goes by; they wish they were on it.  The train whistle sounds and my heart speeds up.  I watched a movie once where one of the characters said that the whistle on the train was one of the greatest sounds in the world…I think it was It’s a Wonderful Life…I wholeheartedly agreed.  I feel the ground start to tremble and I know it’s almost time.  I hear the clacking of the wheels and I tense and half-rise out of my crouching position.  This has to be timed perfectly.  The drivers look over expectantly and I take off.  I stop right next to the tracks as the train reaches my spot.  I throw my hands out to my side and my head up exultantly.  The train rushes by and the wind rushes around me blowing my hair and my coat around madly.  I am standing so close to the train that I could twitch one of my fingers and touch it.  The ground trembles under me as the train continues to thunder by me.  I close my eyes and lose myself in the moment.  I am nothing.  I am a wild thing, like some forest sprite caught in the city, I have become a city sprite.  And the train is my home.  The wind it creates, the mini-earthquake and the sounds.  The whistle blows again and I gasp in pleasure.  And then it’s gone.  And I stand for a moment without moving.  I slowly let my hands fall to my side and walk away.  Tomorrow another one will come and the city sprite will be there, courting danger and beauty.  Another one will come and I’ll be there pretending that I’ve escaped and am off to the wilderness where I can be free always.