Sometimes faith feels like doubt…sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever get out ~ TFK

I dunno, something, I just kind of felt like writing and I listened to the song with the above lyrics in it earlier this week and it rang true besides I’ve been wanting to write something for a while now, (shortly after writing my last blog post actually which is pretty cool).  I’m not really doing much right now, working at my new job and on Christmas presents (Eeeep!!!!  Christmas!!!!) and thinking a lot.  Thinking about nothing and everything.

“Pardon me while I burn and rise above the flames” ~ Incubus.

Listening to a lot of music lately and finding things that resonate.

“I love the broken ones…maybe I see a part of me in them.  The missing piece always trying to fit in.  The shattered heart…” ~Dia.

Read an article the other day attempting to link suicide rates among the elderly to the cutting of funding to Medicaid.  I will reserve judgement because it seemed to me that there are a lot of factors involved and I don’t think it can be traced to one single thing.  The comments on the article saddened me though.  I should know better than to read those, they are almost always shitty, ignorant, heartless and just terrible.

“And in a burst of light that blinded every angel.  As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars.  You felt the gravity of tempered grace” ~Linkin Park.

The other day I saw a pine tree that had frost on one side but the other side didn’t because it was in the sun, it was really cool and I wish I could’ve gotten a picture but I was driving and that’s a no-no.  It has been really cold here the past few days; day before yesterday it didn’t get above 20 degrees even though the sun was shining and the sky was a clear blue.  *sigh* Winter…

“Like a phoenix I will rise again.” ~Pillar.

I’ve finally found a craft that I absolutely love – cross-stitching.  I know, I know cross-stitching that’s like something that little old ladies do right?  Whatever I don’t care, I love it.  It’s relatively easy and when you get done it’s so pretty.  I mean you go from a mess of cross-stitches, half stitches, quarter stitches, french knots and backstitches to a whole beautiful picture; it is amazing.  I’ll try to post some pictures of the things that I made the fam for Christmas after Christmas.  Feel free to remind me.

“…thoughts arrive like butterflies.  Oh, he don’t know, so he chases them away.” ~Pearl Jam.

So my new job is going well; I have discovered that I really like helping people.  Even if it’s something silly like finding someone the ‘perfect’ sweater to go with a pair of jeans I still get a thrill out of that look that people get when you’ve helped in some way.

” I would explode just to save your life.” ~Yellowcard.

You know it really bothers me when people do jackass things just because they don’t agree with a viewpoint.  I don’t agree with vegetarians or vegans, I don’t think I could live that lifestyle but I respect their choice and I don’t do stupid things like creating a FB group with a title about how “innocent vegetables are killed everyday by vegetarians, together we can do something to stop it” or posting pictures of some disgusting “Christmas” decorations that show the form of deer hanging upside down with red lights at it’s throat like it’s just been slaughtered.  That’s gross.  It turns my stomach and I love venison.  Just like I don’t agree with atheists but I don’t go around making fun of them and calling them names or try to shove my beliefs down their throat.  Is it so hard to show respect for another human being, even when you disagree with their choices or think they are totally and completely wrong and that you’d have to be stupid to believe what they believe.  Just because you think they’re stupid doesn’t give you the right to be insulting and a fucking jerk.  I’m so tired of people being rude and unfeeling and arrogant enough to believe that their opinion is the only one that matters; and for that matter isn’t an opinion because they are never wrong.  Ugh!

“You fall to your knees.  You beg, you plead.  Can I be somebody else for all the times I hate myself?” ~Skillet.

I was reading through one of my college papers today and I realized that I kind of miss being in school.  I don’t think I want to go back…it just reminded me how much I like intellectualism and being able to understand theories and esoteric writings.  It’s weird but I really do like it and I kind of miss it.

“Just stop for a minute and Smile.” ~ Jessie J

Soooo……there are only 16 days until Christmas!!!!  Happy, happy, joy, joy!!  :D

“It’s getting cold in here so fire it up!” ~ TFK

For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) – $50

Soooo…the title of this post has nothing whatsoever to do with the content but I’m allowed to do that every now and again.  At this very moment I am working on my cover letter, eating some chili and wondering what happened to my version of “life-after-college.”  And in a few moments I’ll go and do the dishes, straighten my hair, leave to get groceries and pick up mi madre…but I’ll still be wondering what happened to my version of “life-after-college.”  Tonight I’ll probably submit a few job applications maybe even look for a place to live, do my nails, watch whatever shows the parentals normally watch on Thursday nights…and wonder what happened to my version of “life-after-college.”  And tomorrow I’ll get up, excercise, do my makeup, submit some more job applications and wonder, wonder, wonder what happened to my version of “life-after-college”?

Are you noticing a theme?  You are??  I’m shocked.

You see I had this picture in my head of what my life would look like post-graduation.  And it was only a tad-bit realistic.  I figured it would take a little while to get a job (that’s the realistic portion) but I figured in the meantime I would have some fun.  I thought that as soon as I was done with school that all the stories that have been pushed into the back of my mind to make room for my academic papers would come pouring out and I’d have tons of energy to submit applications and write stories and go out with friends and catch up on all my blog friends and, and, and, so on and so forth.

Somehow I underestimated a few things.  Such as the fear I was suddenly filled with at the thought of getting a job.  It sounds silly but it felt different to me.  It wasn’t just a job to get me through school, it was a job.  A job as an adult not a college kid.  I was scared, terrified actually.  So I procrastinated and hemmed and hawed around and probably lost a few jobs by not applying to them…stupid really.  And now I’m fighting to get back into the game.

I also underestimated how utterly exhausted I was after graduation.  And how boring my life suddenly seemed to become.  I really didn’t understand how being a college kid gave me a readily available topic.  Uneventful week?  Well I can just talk about what movie we watched in class this week, or what we discussed, or what author we read, or, or, or, or…any number of things.  And now?  What am I supposed to talk about?  Well I got up this morning, ate some breakfast, excercised, put on some makeup, submitted five applications, haven’t heard back from any of the others yet, did the dishes, watched x hours of TV, hung out with the parents x hours, it’s cloudy today.  Admit it that sounds boring…I’m not complaining, I love hanging out with my parents and the other stuff…eh, it’s alright…except for the dishes, blech! ;).  But it makes it difficult to find something to talk about when you feel like you aren’t going anywhere or really doing anything. 

Why does it always feel like everyone else has the perfect life??  Like you are the only one who is bored, broken, alone, tired, etc.

God, I hate it when I do that, when I compare myself to other people.  Don’t you?  I mean you look hard enough and there will always be someone whose life is better than yours…but there will also be someone who is in a worse position.

I just need to learn to deal with my situation without adding the burden of trying to make my life like someone else’s.

And now…a song.

Courage by Orianthi (featuring Lacey of Flyleaf).

And some randomness to make you smile, ’cause everyone needs to smile at least once a day right?

1. I am a picture whore.  Lol!  Sorry about that I just had to say it; what I mean is I’m the type of person who trolls the internet looking for interesting pictures of celebrities, objects, whatever grabs my attention.  I use them to practice my sketching or so my mental picture of a character from one of my stories has life or just to look at and think “how pretty/cool/breathtaking/beautiful/etc.”  Yup, picture whore.  :D
2. I have a playlist on my windows media player titled “songs that make me smile.”  It has OneRepublic, Train, Yellowcard, that Orianthi (ft. Lacey) song that’s right ^ up there, The Afters, Anna Nalick, The Calling, Francesca Battistelli, Good Charlotte, Hyland, Pink AND Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez & The Scene, Miranda Cosgrove, Kelly Clarkson, Aly&AJ (aka 78Violet), Hilary Duff, Katy Perry and Avril Lavigne.  Yes, I listen to pop music, it makes me…smile :D .  Feel free to take your shots, I can handle it and I really don’t mind (after all I never said you had to listen to it)  ;).
3. So during my last semester of college (all of what two months ago??) I developed a new guilty pleasure (that’s pretty much gone now since moving in with the parentals).  I started watching WWE Raw *cringe.*  I know, I know but I found it hilarious…and fascinating.  And really good mindless TV for when your brain hurts from trying to understand Jung or Percy Bysshe Shelley.
4. Via my twitter feed from GC’s Benji Madden — “Westboro baptist Church=WBC=Weally Bad Christians lol.”  Call me terrible but that cracked me up!
5. And an exchange via my twitter feed between Trevor, lead singer of TFK and the TFK tour manager starting with the TFK tour manager — “Let’s recap. Bought an ipod, 2 weeks later ipod touch comes out. Buy an ipad, 4 weeks later ipad 2 comes out. What the heck!!” — followed by Trevor’s response — “@tfktourmgr i’m gonna start buying stuff 2 weeks later than u.”  ROFL!!
6. via my twitter feed, Chester Bennington lead singer of LP — “I’m watching Cops and some naked guy was shooting at a person he was robbing and it took 5 cops to take him down. Cops don’t get paid enough”
7. And Tam (Hodge, aka inprogress) also from Twitter — “RT @pinkbirdi i don’t understand jogging skirts. // I dont understand jogging.”  Lol!!  :D
8. And finally via my twitter feed, Joe Rickard drummer for RED — “God is good.”  — makes me smile every time :)