In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. — Charlie Brown

Hello to all of my non-readers (does anyone still come here?).  Anyway, I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but it’s been a while since I’ve wanted to say anything about anything.  I’ve read some articles over the past few months that get my blood boiling and I consider writing something about it but then it’s like, what can I say that everybody else hasn’t already said?  And besides it felt like it took a lot of energy to put my thoughts down and, I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like posting anything that would cause an argument or debate because then that would mean that I needed to respond and I didn’t feel like I could.  I gave up before there was any fight, that’s all.  And I didn’t want to write about what I was feeling because I was working very hard to try and ignore it (hey guess what, that doesn’t actually work…at all!).  Needless to say it’s been a rough year.  It’s been a year and two-and-a-half months since I had a job (*sigh* and here I thought having a college degree would help…stupid economy) and I’ve been living with my parents, not a bad thing in and of itself but add that to all the other stresses (you know, no job, no money, continual rejection after interviews, getting my hopes up only to keep getting crushed, and having my cat get injured twice, along with a not-working-quite-the-right-way Jeep and a broken computer, add to that having about 98% of my belongings in boxes out in the barn and my brother unreachable for most of the year (thank you Navy!) and that should give you a rough idea of my year) and it’s been…well, a nightmare.  Granted it could’ve been worse, I could’ve gotten sick (only one little cold at the beginning of the year and that’s been it, miraculous considering my penchant for getting sick, thank you God), I could still be out of a job, I could’ve been bored silly and reduced to talking to the dogs and my cat like they were people…oh wait…er…never mind…. ;) , uh…my parents could’ve kicked me out (I’m lucky they didn’t, I haven’t exactly been great to be around what with the depression and anger and all), the roof of the house could’ve caved in…my car could’ve gotten stolen…oh hell, any number of things could’ve happened that would have made this year even more terrible, that’s not the point.  The point is…the point is…it hasn’t been a cakewalk, but I’m still here and, bonus, I have retained a sense of humor.  Oh yeah, and I finally have a job, yaaay for the holiday season retail store hiring spree!  Everybody now, Hip-Hip-HOORAY, Hip-Hip-HOORAY, Hip-Hip-HOORAY!!!

And I leave you with a song, hope it gets stuck in your head.

P.S. only 36 days until Christmas!!  Not that I’m excited about it or anything  :D

Train

“Everybody loves the sound of a train in the distance.  Everybody thinks it’s true.” (after Paul Simon).

Everybody thinks it’s true, that you can run away and forget your life.  Everybody wishes it were true anyway.  Whenever something bad happens they wish they could jump on a plane or a train or a boat or get in a car and escape.  But much like Milton’s Satan you bring hell with you that’s why you can’t escape.  You can never escape.  But maybe, just maybe, you can pretend for a little while like me.  My life isn’t all nightmares but it could be better, a lot better.  I could not have drunk for a dad or an institutionalized mother but that’s the hand I was dealt.  I could do better in school but since none of the teachers seem to care I don’t see why I should.  I could probably make friends but everybody is so eager to judge me on my appearance; I mean really what is so bad about wearing a black trenchcoat and black eye-liner everyday?  Whatever.  At least out here I can pretend that I can actually get away from it all.  The train comes by every night at the same time.  And I’m always ready for it.  I crouch in the bushes listening to the bells sound warning and the lights start flashing.  The cars stop (all three of them) and I see the drivers put their heads on their steering wheels or lean on their hands on the side of the door and get a bored and irritated look on their faces.  I am always amazed by how impatient people can be.  Even more so because I can see their faces when the train actually goes by; they wish they were on it.  The train whistle sounds and my heart speeds up.  I watched a movie once where one of the characters said that the whistle on the train was one of the greatest sounds in the world…I think it was It’s a Wonderful Life…I wholeheartedly agreed.  I feel the ground start to tremble and I know it’s almost time.  I hear the clacking of the wheels and I tense and half-rise out of my crouching position.  This has to be timed perfectly.  The drivers look over expectantly and I take off.  I stop right next to the tracks as the train reaches my spot.  I throw my hands out to my side and my head up exultantly.  The train rushes by and the wind rushes around me blowing my hair and my coat around madly.  I am standing so close to the train that I could twitch one of my fingers and touch it.  The ground trembles under me as the train continues to thunder by me.  I close my eyes and lose myself in the moment.  I am nothing.  I am a wild thing, like some forest sprite caught in the city, I have become a city sprite.  And the train is my home.  The wind it creates, the mini-earthquake and the sounds.  The whistle blows again and I gasp in pleasure.  And then it’s gone.  And I stand for a moment without moving.  I slowly let my hands fall to my side and walk away.  Tomorrow another one will come and the city sprite will be there, courting danger and beauty.  Another one will come and I’ll be there pretending that I’ve escaped and am off to the wilderness where I can be free always.